Amputee

on realizing you buried the person you were
27/02/2020. total words: 793

in front of me is nothing but gray, ashy against overcast, and the lightning that streaked across the sky is gone, and all that is left, is me. behind that overcast is a million tiny gods, watching, waiting, what is done in the darkness is between me and the stars, but the sun still rises.
the moon sets on one hellish decade and the sun rises on another. you're supposed to let it go. you're supposed to set it down and set it free. but i... i am not quite ready. i want to move on i want to say thank gods it's over. the beginning is near and we begin anew. but the unknown, that future, is still not a guarantee. and i do not want to leave it all behind because that means starting with nothing. i did not get here from nothing. i was something, i am something, and i am not ready to say it never happened, because it did happen, and i can't forget that.
the apocalypse happened and under the darkness the only witnesses were the stars. what happened is between me and the moon and that means i can take it to my grave. but i am not ready to bury myself, or bury who i was and not me with her. because i want to admit to it. i want to bring it all to light.
i want to carry my experiences forward with me, as whispers turn to roars and we leave the apocalypse behind. i do not want to leave the apocalypse behind. i... do not want it to be over.
i desperately want it to be over. but that means a countdown. i don't want to run and be running away, i don't want to be running towards, i don't want to skip over a thing we don't live long enough to appreciate the time before we grow up and grow old, i am still not ready to let it go.
they said eighteen to twenty-one was the hardest time of my life. i scoffed and said it was nothing to being twelve. but i... i am not ready to let fifteen-year-old me go. nobody was kind to her. why do i have to bury her? why do i have to grow complacent, because i am equipped and she was not? i will carry her name on my lips as i run and i will tell it to the new stars that rise tonight, as the moon sets with the decade and cuts it all down to begin again, and i won't be cut down with it.
and i will always miss the constellations. i ran away from them, towards the ones i'm now on the brink of seeing, and all i want to do is say i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i love you now that you're almost gone but you were there watching. this decade of darkness only the stars know my glory they saw me shine bright when i thought i was shadow. they were my witness, they are the only ones who know what i have done, what i cannot say i was forced to do, because i said this i choose to do. she never chose to die. and i chose to live, but i didn't know that meant burying her.
i didn't know, and only the stars serve as my witness, and they too die with the moon tonight. so i will carry fifteen year old me's name. for you i will carry your name upon my lips and scream it to the winds, carry it to these new heavens and say see look where i have come from! look what i have done! look at the blood upon my hands and the tears down my cheeks and tell me that you don't love me! i bury you in the earth where all the stars go to die and paint my tears like shooting meteors down from the sky just for you. i still love you.
i still love you. it's over. it's so freeing, and i don't know what to do without the chains. i'm finally free. i thought i was going to die there. i was going to die there and all that's left is ash and an overcast sky not yet decided and stars behind it listening until they can watch all over again. and all that is left, is me.
i'm not ready. i will never be ready. i swear. i swear i swear i swear. i won't forget where i buried you. my stars. your stars. one and the same a continuous line of bravery. i still love you, even as i watch myself bury you. i still love you. i promise.