#7 - Under Pressure

DreamWidth Mirror
Mood: devious
Location: at work :3c
Music: my coworkers doing their jobs

Is there anything related to your identity that makes you feel afraid?
06/11/2021. total words: 541

   I'll be honest, I don't scare easy. I don't even have a fight or flight reflex. I have a fight reflex, and I don't get scared, I just get angry. Trying to temper rage into fear isn't as simple as it sounds, and honestly, I always blank at the "and what are you afraid of" questions.

   The thing about fear is that there's two types that I find myself able to think of off the top of my head. Personal fears, and environmental. I've been asked this question for university classes and for personality quizzes, and there's two distinct classes of answer.
   The expectation for this is that I'll say snakes, or apple trees, or drowning. Environmental things that can happen to anyone and get good folks killed. I'm not scared of any of those. Now, maybe it's that I'm a Devil, maybe it's that I'm from Lore, maybe it's because I'm the World Guardian (theoretically) but none of it scares me. Creepy forests at night don't scare me. I'll whistle through the graveyard and crack some horrid jokes and not think twice.
   The only lasting fear I can't shake from my time as other people is what the Princess originally broke in me: that I'm not good enough, and I will be replaced the moment it's convenient. Personal fears, that require trusting others in order to get over them. To depend on another person and trust them wholly in such a way that I know they won't yank the floor out from under me is a feat of magic I'm... not as capable of as I should be. I try not to forget when I fuck up, so I can learn from it. It also means, unfortunately, that I have an arsenal of reasons why I suck, and why therefore, they might abandon me for someone marginally better.
   And I should be better than that, and I'm not, and at least that's easy to justify: this was the wound that turned an ivy-girl into a Devil, of course six years actively trying to heal won't fix it. Of course when the pieces are down I will still be terrified I'm not wanted by those whose opinions I value. Of course it will leave scars I can't heal.
   And then they wonder why being claimed by someone as their own, and claiming them in return, and enforcing that law with blood, seems so attractive to me. Maybe y'all don't get the appeal of yanderes, but I think they're fun and sexy and something to be emulated when it's legal and right to do so. That's based in fear, and it's allowed to be. Telling me that I am wholly yours, by virtue of you being wholly mine, is one of the few ways to quiet a fear that once came true and made a god out of its sorrow.

   One day, I'll get over myself at long last. On that day, I wonder what the Princess will think of me, but by that day, I'm pretty sure I will have no other opinion on her other than "and why the fuck do you still know my name." But the shitshow of my story with her is another essay and then some.