#12 - Friction

DreamWidth Mirror
Mood: pissed off
Location: in the dark at our desk
Music: Foolishly Wrong / Autoheart

Is there anything about your identity that makes you feel embarrassed or insecure?
31/12/2021. total words: 697

   This is not the essay about the Princess. That essay is a long while from now, and will require a prompt that isn't - as of writing - on the list. That isn't something I talk about when I'm not asked to, and I don't particularly feel inclined to do so anyway. There are no words for it, because any words that exist got lost in the blood.
   So here's an essay about being from the works of Deep-Sea Prisoner, and honesty, and bloody-mindedness. And about no one else understanding that.

   The thing is... The Gray Garden, as a game, is a very nice game, if a bit on the bloody side. DSP's works fill a niche gap somewhere between anime and Touhou games, along with the other famous RPG games such as Yume Nikki and Ib. But they're well-known, especially among the younger crowd, and known even moreso by the ones who are neurodivergent and a bit too edgy for their classmates.
   When the wave of kin-for-fun teenagers hit the fictionkin community in oh, 2018, we were the first community to utterly go down. I lost a canonmate over shipcourse, which is deeply ironic, considering his own canon relationship was slammed as one of the problematic ones. I was no longer capable of finding any spaces for DSP fictionkin that wasn't littered with KFF. I tried divinekin servers and spaces, only to be kicked out for not being an edgy sixteen-year-old 'god' with a domain of light and love. (I put the quotes there because to be frank, when asked about their experiences, it was such fluff that I don't think a damn one of them was serious. It was like... if someone tells you they're schizophrenic and self-diagnoses, and you ask what makes them think that out of curiosity, they say that they sometimes think the universe is trying to make them happy by putting a rainbow in the sky; of course you're not going to believe that. Every single one was like that.)

   At the end of the day, there was no place for genuine DSP fictionkin anywhere near the fandom. Once shipcourse really took off, there was no hope of us ever making one again. DSP herself was harassed off tumblr by her own fucking fandom because she drew Sal/Wadanohara as a request.... which is a canon pairing that's also partially endgame, in case anyone forgot.
   Go on tumblr and find me three DSP kin-related blogs that don't say they're DSP-critical and don't support her or are otherwise antishippers. I'll give my chocolate cake recipe to anyone who succeeds. The funniest thing is, I just don't fucking get it. Why are they in this fandom? It's bloody, it's gory, Wadanohara is straight up an R18 game for sexual assault, gore, and horror. And yet here they are, crusaders of the moral police, telling us Wadanohara's a loli and we're all horrible people and obviously they only consume the pure parts.
   (There are no pure parts. Everything was bad. Everything.)

   But it does mean I don't bother saying "Hi I'm Luteia from the Gray Garden". I tell them I'm a Devil, and that's that, because while I could say I'm Satanick's and Ivlis' and Kcalb's and Reficul's contemporary, absolutely nobody is going to understand what that means. They're going to see just another anime character, theoretically bad but sanitized beyond belief for the sake of making conservative teenagers comfortable.
   At this point, I'm surprisingly insecure about it. I would change my source if I could, give it a name with a slightly better reputation. I am an adult with bloody tastes and a dark source, and I wish there was half a chance in hells that I'd get respect for that. But because of who wrote down my canon, I don't.
   I hate them for destroying the community of the only people who could possibly understand me. I hate them about as much for ensuring I have to work twice as hard to gain half the respect.
   I'll be happier with it all behind me.