#1 - Awakening

DreamWidth Mirror
Mood: Busy
Location: at desktop
Music: hold music for the bank :(

What was the event that triggered your awakening? What made you start to question being fictionkind or fictionhearted, and how did it feel when you figured it out? When did you understand that you had a system, and how did they react to their source(s)? When did you find your hearthome, and how did you know you belonged there? When did you first experience a fictionflicker? How did you come across your fictionlink, and in what ways did you integrate them with your personality? Have you ever created a thoughtform in the likeness of a fictional character? How did this process impact your life over the following weeks/months/year?
05/11/2021. total words: 1324

What was the event that triggered your awakening? What made you start to question being fictionkind or fictionhearted, and how did it feel when you figured it out?
   The event that triggered my awakening is really hard to say. When did I first know I wasn't human? Hard to say, because I stared it in the fact for years and never actually put two and two together. But I know exactly when I confronted it, which was when my first girlfriend, Erica, explained what otherkin was to me. Previously, all I'd known was the cringey wishkin on 2013 tumblr, so having it explained to me by Johnny from the Outsiders (I know, what a short end of the stick) helped a lot. I immediately knew I was both shadow and fae (hence my tumblr url) but I hadn't done much introspection, and didn't have that narrowed down.
    Took me six months to figure out that I was an Absol, which mostly but not quite explained the shadow thing. Luteia, of which I awakened about the same time as I was falling into Chaorruption with Ranisson, mostly but not quite explained the fae thing.
    It was years before I really sat with myself and asked "is feeling as fae as I do happen because I'm Irish?", and then it took me another six months, a copinglink, and an offhand comment from one of the Writing With Colour mods to sit with that and go "yeah, fucking maybe you stupid moron idiot".
    Honestly, the acceptance of knowing that I don't just suck and there is a reason I am the way I am, and that I can take pride in my abnormality, has meant the world to me. It provided me a stability I would not have survived without. Now, I'm just figuring out the religion and the personality and the system stuff.
    Finding the words to say "you can be nonhuman if that's what you are" hit a chord I didn't know could be hit until it was struck. I knew the moment I heard it was an option that it was the path I needed to go down. You never know there's another option until you find, and once you do, the answers once impossible are suddenly obvious.

When did you understand that you had a system, and how did they react to their source(s)?
   Me, jumping around with Ranisson and Exos and Stratos: ...wait you can be a system without dissociation? You can just become a different person and treat who you just were as a separate person, and that makes sense? That's a system thing?
    Zheotane, Drakath #2, Xisaru, and Iban: ....you don't say.
    So Pale is a moron as usual, more at ten. They all knew their sources, because I soulbond via writing and maladaptive daydreaming, old-school style so I've been told. They were already full aware of their sources, and waiting for me to play catch up.
    I've been a system host on and off all my life, although this is the most I've ever pushed it, with four other people in here. It's pretty crowded, how y'all with over 100 systemmates baffle the hell out of me because how do you keep track?? How do y'all know you've got a new guy and you didn't just lose track of an old guy?? How do you hear yourself with such a big crowd?? I ain't even mad it's just wholly different than my experience entirely and I'm a moron so I get confused easily.
    Anyhow, that's how that goes.
    Although South wants to clarify he hates his source counterpart and wants to beat him up. I'll let him go more in detail about that in a future prompt, since this is the place I trust to not flip out about his source or compare him to his counterpart: that's a bad idea and shit will get messy very quickly.

When did you find your hearthome, and how did you know you belonged there?
   Also known as the question Pale doesn't know how to answer. Because on one hand, I think Saint Seiya and Sagiverse is primarily a writing / fandom thing. It doesn't strike a chord of home the way the Twice-Lit World or TGG or AQW or even EC does. But all my soulbonds are from Sagiverse, and they have that home.
    The fact that I'm halfway writing it into existence, have this good of a connection to it, and have gotten just about every detail correct in my writing completely by accident says something. I don't know what it is, but I know what it should be, and that's something to raise an eyebrow about. I don't know why I know this. I don't know how. But it's happened a few far too many times to be coincidence.
    Maybe it is a hearthome, maybe that's why I know. I'm not from there, not really: but I should be, and that means something.

When did you first experience a fictionflicker?
   Never have, but I'm sure it would be interesting. I can get into the head of some characters really well, and sometimes it sticks, but it's mostly the ADHD and maladaptive daydreaming going at it. Right now, that means me and South are trying to figure out who's actually Grian from Third Life and who just thinks Scar's hot. We're having a time.

How did you come across your fictionlink, and in what ways did you integrate them with your personality?
   I have always been a child of Zamorak, and yes, maybe I spent most of that time in denial, but that's probably why he sent me my big brother to help me figure it out. What can I say, I'm a moron. Now that I've figured out what I am, I have to sit and decide what that means, and what I'm going to do about, and how I'm going to prove with every moment that I deserve and have earned it. So it's my religious devotion versus my executive dysfunction and it's really fucking difficult. I'll know in February how that goes.
    That's the hard part of knowing yourself, especially when you live with your parents: it's impossible to see who you could be, when you've got all this baggage and burdens and don't get time away to really clear your head and see things in a different light. It's impossible to be more forgiving of people who have spent the past twenty years annoying the hell out of you, and harder to appreciate them for the big things when they keep asking you to focus and you suck at focusing and you want to do things on your schedule so you can focus and they really want it on theirs.
    Getting a vacation away from them will help me figure out what kind of person I can actually grow up to be. Let me out from under the baggage and the chains, where nobody can set any preexisting assumptions, and then I'll know if I actually can be what I keep trying to become. Then I'll know if it works.

Have you ever created a thoughtform in the likeness of a fictional character? How did this process impact your life over the following weeks/months/year?
   Internal thoughtform, no. Soulbond? Ah whoops shit that keeps happening! We're good at working together, and most of it's internal. But like I said with the fictionlink thing, it's hard to say what we're really like, with quarantine and family and not really being allowed to have a life. In highschool, having soulbonds greatly helped me deal with daily existence. Easier to detach and have escapism that I desperately needed. Helped me find the support I could have nowhere else. For now, as an adult who doesn't typically get to be one, I have no idea how it's going to affect everything. For that, we just have to wait and see.